just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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