He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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