My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
