first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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