I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize