Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
