update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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