He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
