So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
