Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
