he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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