No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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