Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
