Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
