it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
