Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
