I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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