Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Operation Purity has been aborted
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize