FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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