Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
