I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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