wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
