I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
