i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize