70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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