My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
