I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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