he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
