he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
