would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
