I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize