left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
