wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize