He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
