he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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