I hope mine doesn't look like that
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
