guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
