Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
