Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
