I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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