i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Randomize
