Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
