and you said cock pushups were impossible
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
