dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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