Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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