Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
