I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
