I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
