I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
where are my eyebrows?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
