my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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