i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
