Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
