two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think you know youโve caught feelings when youโre asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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