Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
God, I missed his penis.
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