I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
