I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
