the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
