Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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