Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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