see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
