Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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